Both Sides Now and the Space Between.
I say “both things can be true” so often my clients tell me to make t-shirts. Seeking certainty, it’s easy to find comfort in absolutes or get locked in black and white thinking. It feels safer to focus on the one thing: “the way it’s always been, how I’m supposed to feel, what I should do,” while shutting out complex thoughts and feelings bubbling underneath.
But what if we acknowledged that both (or many) things can be true, all at the same time?
Can you feel deeply in love and ready to be married while longing for parts of your single life?
Do you cherish the perspective that comes with aging but hate the crow’s feet or feeling less visible?
Have you experienced the grief of losing someone you love and relief that they are no longer suffering?
Have you felt gratitude and disappointment at the same time?
Watching Joni Mitchell, age 80, sing Both Sides Now in her first performance at the Grammy’s walloped with existential angst. An emotionally precocious kid, I was drawn to its hopeful melancholy. For Joni, the joys of life -- ice cream castles, Ferris wheels and dizzy dancing -- are constant companions to fears, regrets and illusions.
Joni, living her words, recently recovered from an aneurysm to walk, and talk and sing once more. Her lyrics -- there’s something lost and something gained in living every day – ask us to ponder a life lived from both sides and back again.
Can you recognize and honor your entire range of emotions and experiences and notice how they ebb and flow?
The flood of emotions, even the process of growth, can feel like being yanked back and forth between wants, needs, longings, passions — sometimes contradictory, inconvenient, or even shameful. We take two steps forward, one step back. One door opens, another closes. Sometimes in reverse.
Philosophers use the term “dialectics” to describe the contradictory process of making sense of two opposing sides. Rollo May, and other existential psychologists, invited exploration and acceptance of contradictory, and simultaneously true, ideas or feelings.
But how? Get comfortable in the space between.
Therapy is a good place to start. When we sit in the “messy middle,” we ponder unacknowledged hopes, wishes and dreams, allow intense emotions to surface, and make sense of the contradictions. Some surprising things tend to happen:
We become aware.
When we recognize that both sides hold truth, or that opposing needs or desires are pulling us in two different directions, we become aware of the complexity of our feelings and fears and can begin to explore what’s right for us. Turns out, there is no “right path,” only “your path.”
We become more accepting of where we are and where we’re going.
In the space between, we welcome gains while mourning losses, embracing change while stopping to ponder roads not taken and to celebrate what has been. Both acceptance and willingness to change are essential parts of our becoming.
We become mindful, less distressed, and feel more emotionally stable.
Once we know “it’s complicated,” we can work to be more present in the moment, without judging ourselves for it. We can cut ourselves some slack and train our inner voice to be kind, not critical. We can see our emotions as a barometer of what we are wanting, needing, fearing.
We become better partners, parents, friends, leaders.
When we know ourselves, we feel self-assured, can communicate our truth, say yes or no or maybe, ask for what we need, and resolve conflicts.
But what if I hate the messy middle?
Sometimes clients are downright angry when they realize that a middle ground – the space between absolutes, certainty, a single path – exists. This feels messy: unsettled, out of control, disingenuous. But, slowly, they realize this might be a sort of freedom from “shoulds” and “musts.” A chance to make peace with what is vs. what could have been. And to decide what we want to become next.
Music can be an emotional companion through “the space between.”
While Joni was a first, I am forever drawn to music with potential to rouse and resolve deep existential tensions. Music, at its best, is a balm to our frayed emotions … a companion and guide to feeling our way through it all.
Years ago, working through my own exploration of who I am and where I was going, I started a playlist called “Enjoyable Angst,” a recognition that emotions can pull us in wildly different directions and that sometimes restlessness and longing bring their own joy. If the spirit moves you, I invite you to join me on this listening journey (or make up one of your own) with the hope that you, too, might feel your way into and through the messy middle.
Enjoyable Angst
Joni Mitchell Both Sides Now
Fleetwood Mac Landslide
Sarah McLachlan Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Tori Amos Winter
Frank Sinatra It Was a Very Good Year
Big Head Todd and the Monsters Bittersweet
Dave Matthews Band Stay or Leave
Michael Stipe No Time for Love Like Now
Taylor Swift Marjorie
Brandi Carlile Have You Ever
John Denver Take Me Home, Country Roads
Peter Gabriel Don’t Give Up
Mumford and Sons Beloved
Indigo Girls Kid Fears
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers Learning to Fly
Harry Styles Matilda
Billy Joel And So It Goes
10,000 Maniacs Trouble Me
P!nk Conversations with My 13 Old Self
Judy Collins Send in the Clowns
RENT Seasons of Love
Shostakovich String Quarter No. 8 in C Minor